Idiot or Genius
by Synful Nocturne
Summary: The game show where egos and images are shattered. Join Bakura as he humiliates the YGO cast members and sends the losers to the Shadow Realm, and pays winners from an imaginary bank account. The stupidity will amaze you. FINAL CHAPTER UP!
1. Anzu

Hello, all! I'll keep this part short and simple, and beg for mercy later. For now, I have this to say:

I warn you all, it has been quite a while since I read the manga, or saw the anime. Therefore, portrayal of these characters may not be completely accurate. If it is, it's a lucky guess. But I will be twisting their personalities for my own purposes. I am bound by law to disclaim the contents of this here fanfiction. I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh!, or the game show idea represented, nor am I making any money off of this (though that would be awesome). In fact, I own nothing, not even the computer I'm using. That belongs to my school. The humiliating of these characters is merely for entertainment purposes. Also, I will only use first names (Japanese, not dub), because I can't remember their last names for more than five seconds. Flames will be used to toast marshmallows.

A young man with the look of an angel, right down to the long snowy hair, walked onto a stage, the lights blazing, to applause. The angelic image lasted for all of one second, only to be shattered by the man smirking. "Welcome, all, to the show Idiot or Genius, where we shatter egos and images. I'm your host, Bakura. Now, let's get started." He took his seat at a podium and clapped his hands together. "Let's bring out our first victim! Anzu!"

A small smattering of applause sounded from the live audience, until Bakura glared at them all. With an inaudible gulp, the audience members cheered loudly. "What's the point of applauding her? She's a ditz!" one man whispered to his friend, who replied, "Because the host scares us." And that was all the reason they needed. Down below, a girl with short brown hair bounced into view on stage, waving at everyone, until she tripped over a cord. This was followed by some quickly muffled laughter. The girl got up and took her seat across from Bakura, still smiling.

Bakura, meanwhile, was fighting off a slight twitch. Quite frankly, he found Anzu's personality disturbing, to say the least. However, he had a show to do, and twitches were not acceptable on camera. So he forced another one of his I'm-going-to-kill-you-slowly-and-painfully smiles, thoughts of the same nature running through his mind, as he said, "Welcome, Anzu. Shall we get started?"

"Sure!" the brunette exclaimed cheerfully, oblivious to the evil smile. Yup, this girl was stupid, the audience decided.

"Okay, then we'll just jump right in. First question: Is the sky: A. Green, B. Blue, C. Orange, or D. Somebody please shoot me?" His eyebrow twitched. Those jokers who wrote these questions and answers were seriously underpaid, by the looks of it. Maybe a pay cut would light a fire under them.

A drop of sweat dripped down Anzu's temple. 'It's only the first question, and they're already giving me hard things to answer? Okay, Anzu, breathe,' she told herself. 'Take your time. You just saw the sky…um…however long ago it was. Relax. You can do this.'

Five minutes passed by, the audience and Bakura dumbfounded. This girl seriously didn't know what color the freaking sky was? Good grief!

Finally, Anzu gave up and tentatively guessed. "Um… B. Blue."

Bakura snorted his way out of the nap he'd started taking some three minutes ago. Glancing at the little digital clock at the bottom of his screen, he saw that it had taken the brunette ten minutes to answer this question. "Is that your final answer?" he asked on a yawn.

Looking uncertain, Anzu nodded. "Final answer."

"And you are…correct!" Bakura announced to applause from a barely-awake audience. "Question two: Finish this quote. 'A woman only needs four animals in her life: A mink on her back, a Jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and: A. A dog in her yard, B. A jackass to pay for it all, C. A cat in her lap, or D. A giant break-dancing turtle." Oh, the people writing these had better watch their step.

Another drop of sweat ran down Anzu's face. This one was even harder than the first one. A dog or cat made sense, but a turtle would be amusing. She didn't even know what a jackass was. She debated on this for fifteen minutes while the audience and crew members played poker. Just like last time, she ended up guessing. "Um… A. A dog in her yard. Final answer."

"I'm sorry, Anzu, that is incorrect," Bakura said, while he was mentally cheering. "The answer was B. A jackass to pay for it all." He pulled a lever on his podium and the floor disappeared from beneath Anzu, dropping her straight into the Shadow Realm.

As the floor lifted back into place, Bakura turned to look at the audience. "Sorry, folks, looks like we're all out of time. Join us next time, when we'll be joined by…" He looked at his screen for the name. "Jou (1). See you next week on Idiot or Genius!"

"Clear!" someone shouted, and Bakura banged his head on the podium. "Why – me? – She – was – an – idiot," he muttered between bangs. "I need to kill someone."

( 1 ) Yes, I know that's not his first name. But it's easier to spell.

As you may have guessed, this show is based on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?. Obviously, I do not own it, or I would not be writing this. I'd be off making money.

Reviews are welcomed, as is constructive criticism. Once again, flames will be used to toast marshmallows. So go ahead and click on the pretty button. Go ahead. Click it. It feeds the starving authors we have trapped in our computers.


	2. Jou

Hello, all! Apocalypta here again! I'm going to keep this short and simple:

I do not own YGO or Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. I do not even own the brain that came up with this idea. That is owned by a rental company. I am not making any money off of this fic. If I were, I'd post more of my work and earn money to pay off my tuition. Now, on to the fic!

Once again, Bakura glided across his stage, looking eerily cheerful. The audience gulped, ready to run should the host turn on them. He took his seat at the podium and chirped, "Welcome, all, to the show Idiot or Genius, where we shatter egos and images. I'm your host, Bakura. Now, let's get started!" The audience clapped uncertainly, scared to death. Okay, so scared was an understatement. They were terrified out of their freakin' minds. And that was putting it mildly. "Let's bring out our victim! Jou!"

The young man with honey-colored hair walked across the stage, waving cockily at the audience. Oh, he was confident, all right. Besides, his pal Yugi had given him some pointers before the show. It was just a different type of duel, after all.

Jou plopped down in his seat, the cocky smile never leaving his lips as the audience cheered loudly for him. They really liked this guy. As he was in a fairly good mood after killing off the old writers, Bakura smiled charmingly. Yeah, _that_ didn't terrify anyone. Note the sarcasm, kids, there'll be a quiz later.

"Are you ready to get started, Jou?" Bakura asked cheerily. Jou gulped slightly, but nodded. "Then let's dive right in! Question one: What is the definition of multitasking: A. The art of messing up several things at once, B. Paying the mortgage, C. Owning three dogs, a gorilla, and a fish, or D. Talking and walking at the same time." Twitch. Okay, happy feeling gone. Apparently, they'd hired more stupid people. Joy.

Jou closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Kaiba had said this once. That jerk. He didn't even know why he'd been listening. Okay. He knew it wasn't B or C. D made sense, but… Opening his eyes, he flashed another smile, though he kept it toned down out of fear for his life. "A. Final answer."

Bakura raised a brow. That was fast. "And that is… Correct! Question two: Finish this quote: Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy: A. Luck, B. Love, C. A case of beer, or D. A leprechaun." More people were going to die today.

Jou almost laughed. Luck and love couldn't be bought, and you had to have not only money, but also a permit to own a leprechaun. So that meant… "C. A case of beer, final answer."

"Correct!" Jou was definitely getting into this. "Question three: How do you tell right from wrong: A. Tell a dog to pick, B. Look at the sun, C. Remember that right is insanity, or D. Remember that wrong is the fun one."

Jou's eyes narrowed at the first choice. Maybe he was being paranoid, but it sounded like Kaiba had something to do with that one. Either way, that wasn't the answer. B was telling time, and C didn't make any sense. Besides, this was a no-brainer. Everyone knew the wrong thing was more often than not incredibly fun. "D. Final answer."

"Correct!" Amazing, three in a row. Maybe they'd have a winner. "Question four: Lemonade is made of what three ingredients: A. Lemons, liquor, and sugar, B. Water, oil, and dust, C. Water, lemons, and sugar, or D. Water, paint, and grease."

Jou rolled his eyes. While liquor in lemonade sounded rather appealing… "C. Final answer."

"That is… Correct!" Bakura took a drink from the glass beside him. No need to let anyone know what it was. "Question five: What was the first thing the Knights who say 'Ni' asked for when King Arthur tried to pass through their forest in _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_: A. That King Arthur cut down the tallest tree in the forest with a herring, B. A shrubbery, C. A sequined vest made by the Knights of the Round Table, or D. A flagon of ale."

Jou snorted out a laugh. He'd loved this movie when he was a kid. In fact, he'd watched it just a few days ago. It still sent him into fits of laughter. "B. Final answer." No hesitation there.

"Correct. Question six: How many scouts were there originally on _Sailor Moon_?" Bakura rolled his eyes, holding back a shudder. "A. 5, B. 6, C. 7, or D. 8?"

Jou gulped. He'd never watched this. His sister might have, but he didn't know for sure. He vaguely remembered the commercials. There was the black-haired chick, a couple of blondes, and, um… Weren't there some brunettes and a pink-haired girl? "Um… B. Final answer."

With a cackle, Bakura announced, "That is incorrect!" He glanced at his screen. "There were five. So sorry." He pulled his handy little lever and waved as Jou fell into the Shadow Realm. "Well, five questions answered correctly! That's a new record!" As the floor lifted back into place, Bakura turned to look at the audience. "Sorry, folks, looks like we're all out of time. Join us next time, when we'll be joined by…" He looked at his screen for the name. "Mai. See you next week on Idiot or Genius!"

"Clear!" one of the directors shouted while the audience applauded. Bakura slumped in his seat.

"Someone please let me know when we finally get some smart people on here. I'm going to kill someone, then take a nap." Producers, directors, and various other people ran for their lives as Bakura stalked out of the studio.

Well, that's it for today. Let me know what you think by leaving a review! They not only make my day, they also feed the starving animals in the national parks. So click the pretty little button. You know you want to.


	3. Mai

Hello, all! Apocalypta here again! I'm going to keep this short and simple:

I do not own YGO or Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. I do not even own the brain that came up with this idea. That is owned by a rental company. I am not making any money off of this fic. If I were, I'd post more of my work and earn money to pay off my tuition, and I wouldn't be one of those poor, starving musicians who are all about the music. …Okay, maybe I would, since I'm dedicated to my chosen profession. Anyway! On to the fic!

Bakura glided across his stage, looking eerily cheerful. The audience, already scared after the last couple of tapings with the insane man, gulped, ready to run. The pale dark angel took his seat at the podium and chirped, "Welcome, all, to the show Idiot or Genius, where we shatter egos and images. I'm your host, Bakura. Now, let's get started!" The audience clapped uncertainly, scared to death. Okay, so scared was an understatement. They were terrified out of their minds and wanted to be anywhere but here. "Let's bring out our victim! Mai, come on down!"

The buxom blonde sashayed to her seat, appearing to ignore her surroundings, namely the drooling men and glaring women in the audience. That is, if you didn't notice the small seductive smirk on her lips, or the flirty looks she sent to some of the cameramen. With practiced grace, she folded herself into her seat and watched Bakura, ready to win it all and look good doing it.

"Are you ready to get started, Mai?" Bakura asked cheerily, as the writers had, once again, been killed. Slowly and painfully. With a roll of her pretty eyes, Mai nodded. "Then let's dive right in! Question one: What is considered the new pink?: A. Blue, B. Purple, C. Black, or D. Duct tape." Twitch. Smartass writers. Why couldn't they hire someone decent? Just once? I mean, seriously! _Monkeys_ could do better!

Mai smiled. A fashion question. She knew the answer to any fashion question imaginable. "C. Black, final answer," she replied without a moment's hesitation.

"Correct," Bakura answered, repressing the urge to scream. Only two minutes in, and he was about ready to flip. Not a record, but close. "Question two: What three things do men use to fix things?: A. Staples, super glue, and duct tape, B. Duct tape, string, and pipe cleaners, C. Soot, staples, and paper, or D. A gorilla, a prayer, and a whole lot of swearing?"

Bored, Mai examined her nails. She knew the answer, since a couple of her boyfriends had been completely lazy and tried to get away with things like this. Huh. She needed a manicure. And it was about time to get her nails painted again. Maybe a nice lavender. Or maybe fiery red. Nah. Silver, to distract her opponents when her other tricks wouldn't work. A small smirk tugged at her lips. Yes, that would do just fine. "A. Staples, super glue, and duct tape, final answer."

"That is…correct!" Bakura announced. "Question three: Finish this quote. 'I'm a nightmare, a disaster, that's what they always said. I'm a lost cause, not a hero, but I'll make it on my own. I'm gonna:' A. Prove them wrong. It's me and you, babe, who's gonna rule the world, B. Prove them right. I'll never amount to anything, C. Prove them right. Nothing awaits me but the cold touch of death, or D. Prove them wrong. It's me against the world."

God, she should have brought a magazine or something! How could a game show be so boring? This was the vague trail of Mai's mental wailing, though she gave no outward appearance of being anything other than slightly amused. Anyway. She vaguely recalled hearing this somewhere once before. The tone of the words didn't lend itself to B or C, and the little snippet didn't mention a 'we.' So that meant… "D. Prove them wrong. It's me against the world, final answer."

"Correct. Ready to try for four?" Without waiting for an answer, Bakura plowed on ahead. "What was the Fifth Commandment? A. Honor thy mother and father, B. Humor thy mother and father, C. Admit everything to thy mother and father, or D. Lie to thy mother and father." Twitch twitch. He'd specifically told them **no** religious questions! Although he did like their version of the Ten Commandments. Especially the one pertaining to siblings: Thou shalt not kill. While he'd break it in a heartbeat, it was amusing.

Arching a brow, Mai subconsciously betrayed her confusion. She didn't like that gleam in Bakura's eyes, not one bit. She knew they weren't playing by regular rules, and that it wouldn't bother him a bit to use lesser known versions of things to trip people up. Still, she had to go with what she knew, just in case. "A. Honor thy mother and father, final answer."

"I'm so sorry, that is incorrect." Bakura nearly shrieked with insane laughter – except for the fact that Bakura **absolutely does not** shriek – as he pulled his trusty lever. He waved goodbye to Mai as she fell into the Shadow Realm, then announced, "Three questions. Not quite as smart as the dog we had, but smarter than your average jeans." The floor lifted back into place and Bakura glanced at his screen, a vein threatening to pop as he turned back to the audience. "Sorry, folks, looks like we're all out of time. Join us next time, when we'll be joined by…" He swallowed, trying to force down the bile. "Yami. See you next week on Idiot or Genius!"

By the time one of the directors shouted "Clear!" the audience and other crew members were making a mad dash for the doors, as Bakura was already gone for his daily screaming rampage, looking more vicious and bloodthirsty than ever. They did **not** want to be within fifty miles of the madman's chosen victims.

Well, that's it for this chapter. The next one may be a while in coming, as I am quickly running out of ideas for questions. And Yami and Seto are proving to be a pain since they're, well, an old guy and a genius. So if you have any ideas, send them in via review.

Now, to part until next time with another quote: "The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple." I do not tell, I ask. So leave a review telling me what you think and get a cookie!


	4. The End

Hello, everyone! It's Syn – formerly known as Apocalypta – again! Unfortunately, I've run out of inspiration for this fic, so I'm going to finish it off with this chapter. Once I get writing again, I'll be continuing with the humiliating of the YGO! cast.

I do not own YGO or Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Nor do I own the brain this idea came from. That happens to be owned by a rental company. I **do** own the computer I typed it on, though. Or at least, this chapter. I am also not making any money off of this work of fiction, though it would be perfectly fine with me if I did. The use of these characters is merely for my entertainment, and that of others. Now, on with the fic!

7/15/11: It was brought to my attention by an anonymous reviewer that something went wonky and that chapter four had been replaced by chapter two. I'm not sure _how_ this happened, but it did. I would like to apologize to anyone reading this, and say that the problem has been fixed. If it happens again, please let me know.

* * *

The audience waited with bated breath, remembering the last three tapings of this show. With the psychotic host, no one ever knew if he would finely turn on them in a bloody rage. However, their fear seemed unfounded, as a young male with pointy brunette hair walked out.

"Hey, everyone!" he called. "My name's Honda. I know you've all been waiting to see Yami take a shot at this game, and watch as he drives Bakura into a rage-" '_Not bloody likely_' someone whispered in the audience "-but, unfortunately, Marik showed up early yesterday evening and dragged Bakura off on some heist. I'm fairly certain they are now running out of some museum or rich guy's home, laughing their insane little heads off. The police have most likely been given their descriptions by now. Sadly, this means the end of Idiot or Genius, unless someone else decides to take over the show, as the backup host, Ryou, is off hiding with Malik somewhere."

At this, he glanced around at the cameramen, directors, and newly hired writers, and saw them all frantically shaking their heads. Apparently, they weren't very fond of the idea of becoming the new host of this insane game show.

As Jou, fresh back from the Shadow Realm (courtesy of Yami; no one seemed to mind that Anzu and Mai were still trapped), picked the locks on the shackles attached to the crew's ankles, Honda turned back to the audience. "It seems no one will be taking on the position, so Idiot or Genius is officially being canceled. I'm certain you're all disappointed about that-" '_Why would we be? We were forced here in the first place!_' "-but I'm sure you'll get over it with some counseling." Honda continued on, but no one heard him over Jou's shout of "You're free! Run free and wild, as you were meant to be!" and the crew's various cheers of happiness.

Backstage, where no one could see them, Yami and Seto – who was being forced to do a taping after Yami (had Bakura not disappeared) – were doing a jig. Yes, it was a surprise to the very few who were witness to this, namely, Mokuba and Yugi, though they wrote it off as joy and not-so-temporary insanity. The two were dragged into the insanity for a few brief moments before Seto came to his senses, grabbed Mokuba, and ran out of the studio.

Tossing his little brother into the back seat of the waiting limo, Seto dove in and shouted, "Drive, man, drive!" The driver, too used to his boss's oddities to ask where he was going, just nodded and stepped on the gas, peeling out of the lot.

In the meantime, Yami had also come to his senses, and dragged Yugi out of the studio to return the shorter of the spiky heads to the game shop. He had some crazy people to hunt down, duel, and send to the Shadow Realm for the umpteenth time.

During this time, Honda was still trying to apologize and convince the audience that everything would be okay. Unfortunately for him, the aforementioned audience and the crew were in chaos, attempting to beat everyone else out of the studio. Who knew if – or when – the insane game show host would return? No one wanted to be around for that.

When the dust cleared, Honda was left in an empty studio, trying to figure out what had just happened. After a few moments with no lightening strikes of genius, he simply shrugged and wandered off to do Honda things.

* * *

And with that, _Idiot or Genius_ comes to an end. I apologize to those of you who have been waiting for this update, and for the fact that it is shorter than the other chapters. It is not my best work, and, though I did have this chapter completely thought out, those ideas somehow disappeared while I was typing. I'm sorry if this ending is a bit of a disappointment, and that it didn't contain as much humor as the other chapters. I will be getting more active in my writing again, and should have a new story started within the next week.

If you feel that this chapter absolutely sucks, or if you just want to tell me off for making you wait so long for a piece of crap, go ahead and leave a review. Or even PM me. I usually answer those. Go ahead. Click the pretty button. You know you want to. It feeds the starving authors chained up in our basements.


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